blog post!

 it's been so long since i sat down and wrote a blogpost! it's currently 3:14 as i write this. i'm just going to write a bunch of short things here:

unconfidence is generally looked down upon. than being said, i will now confidentially express my unconfidence. hopefully this paradox works in my favor.

i've been thinking about my future for a while now. it's hard to see the future.

tonight i opened elden ring a bit because the new dlc came out. i didn't get the new dlc. as i was playing it, i came up against a boss. it was at redmane castle i think. i realized that i was not having fun and i had no interest in trying to get better at the game.

i've been working on a new game. i made multiple attempts at recording a development video for it but ultimately didn't get anything out of it. there's some sort of gap between the person i think i am and the person that i see on the recordings. it happens to my writings too- almost everything i write seems alien and strange to me after a period of time. 

i would like to win the handheld tetris machine from 7/11. i somehow won a different 7/11 sweepstakes so maybe lightning will strike twice.

this year i resolved to speak less and make more. i'm not doing so well with those. i will keep trying!

i'm always asking more questions than i answer

one of the few habits i have managed to keep up this year is the day logs. i tried to make meditation a habit but i got derailed after 2 days. i may try again. david lynch speaks so highly of transcendental meditation but doing a course is crazy expensive. i googled it instead. also i do not think i am getting as much out of it as he does. wonder what that's like!

i need to cut junk and noise from my life. this includes: watching garbage, having thoughts about thoughts, reading garbage, browsing social media, etc. all of these things take so much time away i barely have time to think about things that actually benefit me. there's so many things to distract yourself from dealing with more important things.

i should to resubscribe to the criterion collection. i feel that artists i admire have seen a wide range of art that i simply have not. 

i feel like i'm losing my cartoon tolerance. it's getting harder for me to take animated stuff seriously? this could also just be me getting curmudgeonly. on the flipside i watched joy street by Suzan Pitt recently and that was great. very dark!

i'm going to get grossly personal!  

i watched "american movie" a while back and was filled with fear. i've been thinking about aspirations and art. some people aspire so highly to make something, but are unable for some reason to realize what they want to make. it almost feels like i'm that personified- i have ideas for how i should be, but fall so short of being.

life feels like a montage right now. it's like i'm drifting between moments with no weight or impact. it's hard to tell when this started happening? if i had to pinpoint a time, i'd say midway though college. i watched "i saw the tv glow" and someone said something about time being wrong, moving too fast. that movie really fucked with me for about 2 days after! 

it's 3:47 now!