shaun talks about "talks about"

i'm waiting for a scene to render for a new music video that i will release for my album, so i'll write a blog post.

i've been recording little videos where i talk about something for my websitre recently- i got the urge out of nowhere the exact instant i was googling munchy boxes. i've been trying to pinpoint exactly why i wanted to do this. after all, this site is nothing but a bunch of crap i've made why would i pollute it even more?

see here

WELL! in my scramble to justify this as something other than an lampshading* an ego trip i have come up with the following reasons. This is going to be like dissecting a frog and looking at all of its innards in grotesque 4K footage.

RECORDING AS NOTE TAKING:

i like to keep track of things in my life. i have a rate your music for music, backloggd for games, letterboxd, my google keep notes, etc. this video thing is just another way to keep track of my stuff.

A DESIRE FOR A BETTER PRESENCE:

i feel like some sort of sad little squid on camera and in real life. i would to feel differently. hopefully, all of this recording and editing is going to give me some more of an understanding of my "voice". maybe in the future i will need to edit less because i learn what behaviors i need to keep versus ones i need to remove? i also need to lose my shame a little bit. i will say, i think my humor is so dry it's like a little personal desert.

IT'S FUN FOR ME:

i like to ramble about nonsense! i don't really get to do it often since i don't want to subject people i know irl to the nonsense, so this is a fun little outlet for me to have. also it's easy, only takes a small amount of time, and is a nice break from whatever i'm doing.

Expanding on point two: I've acutally always been recording myself for years. In highschool through college i would record little vlogs and upload them to a secret youtube channel. they are dreadfully embarrassing but watching them back always felt like a learning experience, as the distance from the moment provides clarity.

so that's what i'm trying to do now, i guess? get some clarity on myself. i could always record these and not post them, but for me, there's no satisfaction in an unsent letter. i need some sort of feeling that i'm putting something out there.

last side note on point two: recently, i've been jealous of artists who make music and can dance along to it. to me, it seems like the ultimate actualization of an artistic voice. unfortunately, i cannot dance to save my life. 

i'm going to be far too transparent here and just say this: general insecurity has infected so much of my life/being that i am unable to achieve/be most things i want. i think my lack of dance skill is due to a general discomfort in myself. to combat this, i will be dancing/moving in an upcoming music video. in my worst thoughts i worry that my lack of charisma will seep through the screen and batter the soul of the viewer, but i'm going to do it anyways! i probably should have tried to learn more before jumping into it but i already shot it and i don't want to get the green screen stuff out again.

for all this talk of insecurity, the one thing i've been pretty good at is posting things anyways. i know this is a bit of a toxic mindset, but i am nothing without creative output. 

finally- can you believe this is a real movie?:

*i'm lampshading this ego trip by telling you i'm lampshading an ego trip! wow!